No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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