Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
