There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
