then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
