i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
