just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
