why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
