I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
