So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
