where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
