I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
