Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Ketchup is God's man juice
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
