listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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