so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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