Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
