Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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