I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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