my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
