My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
