Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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