I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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