Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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