I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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