how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
