I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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