I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
