Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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