I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
