like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
