I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
