she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
