i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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