I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I did not marry a roomba.
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