I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
