Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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