My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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