We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
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I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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