fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
