Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
