R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
