dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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