I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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