We got so high we made milksteak
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
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she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
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I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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