That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
where are my eyebrows?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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