I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
