Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
