If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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