Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
