I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
