apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
