did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
