So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
