What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
