I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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