He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Randomize
