Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
