I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
