Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
